There is a jittery feeling from my chest up to my neck -- sort of like the moments before presenting a monologue..."Liar. You are not scared of anyone" he says - and I am beginning to think he may be right. It is not the people who scare me, it is my potential reaction to the people that scares me.
One hour. The first hour always passes very quickly. The fluidity of my lies and my trickiness surprises me - and the naturalness of how I begin to play the game of two-facedness with customers frightens me - giving them what they want so they are satisfied with the experience - just like in theater...
My desk is covered with pink sticky notes: "PICK UP THE KNIFE WHEN THERE IS NO ONE EATING THERE!" "7 PM= busy hour: DO NOT sit 2 on table of 4" "Wait for Paul to sit ANYONE""NEVER say NO" "No lobster or sufflé or oysters to go." My notebook is filled with notes: "It's as simple as saying "wait a minute while I bring Paul" - my inability to say NO spreads even to hostessing..."
A restaurant is sort of like a fly trap: the goal is to enchant you the minute you are in the door: portray a lady who epitomizes what you wish your son would marry - someone who could be on Martha Stewart Magazine cover... engage them with a place that looks like the home they never had - that smells like home... and as a worker, I am becoming enamored with building this illusion. I find myself thinking "I will learn. I will become more intuitive. I will remember what he tells me and apply it." My desire to please The Boss is catching me as I begin to think "Sometimes, I will try to do good, but it is not what the boss had envisioned beforehand - so stop trying and begin doing what you know you have to do." No, this experience is not a 'stop learning to listening to your own will', it is a 'learn the fucking trade before you go about corrupting it'.
The way he associates with me is just the way my father does - shrugging to make sure I understand the trick he is playing on the customer... making me understand the inside business.
I note: "learn both sides of the trade - do not neglect the importance of making sure you treat the waiters and the customers with respect."
Our conversations lead him to comment, "I feel bad for whoever falls in love with you! Oh, boy! how you will make him suffer! You know what you want and will not put him before anything."
Is that such a bad thing? To place yourself and your dreams above those of another? I believe in sharing dreams, in supporting each others' dreams, but not in sacrificing your passion and sanity for another... Have I been cruel to those who love me? Have I been cold and selfish?
No comments:
Post a Comment